Sunday 5 February 2012

Snow, hand wringing and Rum....

...Where to begin...?

I have been trying really really hard to keep everything together. I am behaving like a mad-woman at times - think PMT x100 - withdrawn and sad at others and at other times, I have this manic need to be happy and make everyone around me snort with laughter so I can, perhaps by osmosis, catch their cheerfulness. There is no clear pattern to my moods - I feel utterly at the mercy of my hormones as they toss me around. My anxiety as to what kind of mood I might wake up in on any given day and worrying whether I will be knocked out by another Migraine is beginning to take it's toll...

I went on a girly night out last night - DS was sleeping at his aunt and uncle's house and DH was out with the boys... The snow began falling mid afternoon and by the time I waved DS off with my brother, I was in a state of nervous frenzy, certain that the weather would cause a 16 car pile up and take DS away from me.
The anxiety continued with how to and whether to talk about how I was feeling with my friends (bring everyone down why don't you? Tsk!) and was probably further exacerbated by the extra tyre of fat that has appeared at my waistline (thanks, menopause) preventing me from wearing what I was planning to. Panic panic panic.

I have some great friends. Most of them deal with my circumstances/erratic behaviours well, others I worry avoid me/it and this bothers me. To be honest, I find me very confusing at the moment so Im sure they must too. And what do or can they possibly say to me? Nothing will change my situation and there's this massively loud voice in my head berating me for not 'getting on with it'  and I do wonder whether this is what they are thinking if I bring it up. So I tend not to lately.

By the time I'd spent most of the last week worrying whether I would be good company or not on a night out that I thought I was looking forward to (and in ordinary circumstances absolutely would have been), coupled with my unsuccesful visit to the GP for drugs, sorry hormones, I was a hand wringing wreck by the time we met up...
I was probably about 3 seconds away from tears for most of the evening so decided to drink copious amounts of Rum and coke - if all else fails, alcohol is worth a try - and have subsequently spent most of today worrying a bit more about whether I behaved like some crazy, self-absorbed, raging, angst-ridden alcoholic...

I am going somewhere with all of this, honestly.

This evening I had a bit of an epiphany: I was finally able to get some clarity. I cannot and will not feel like I did yesterday on a regular basis. I think I perhaps hit a mini 'rock bottom' in terms of my low mood and my family and I deserve better.

I am going to take some control over my situation. That is my public statement!
I realise that there is much about my current situation that is being dictated by nature or time, but there are aspects that I intend to take hold of. As of tomorrow, I intend to eat better (have just spent another hour researching 'menopause' diet on the internet) and will restart my exercise regime - I can only feel sorry for myself and stuff my inactive body with feel-better-chocolate and heal-all-flapjacks and cakes for so long before I need to get a grip. There's also the small matter of me being a Bridesmaid this Summer and I fully intend to look fabulous - not too fabulous - but fabulous enough. I will embrace all things green and leafy as of tomorrow...

So, thank you snow and hand wringing and Rum... You did indeed have a purpose in my life!

For the record, DS had a fabulous evening and is tucked up in bed upstairs, exhausted....

And tomorrow is another day, isn't it?

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