Here are my observations of how you are probably feeling:
1. You feel exhausted by the processes of finding out that having a baby will not come easily for you and devastated that either IVF has not worked for you or is not an option
2. You continue to die a little bit inside when anyone you know becomes pregnant
3. You feel angry and cheated one day, calm the next, depressed for the few after that
4. You are beyond desperate to hold a baby in your arms
5. You are convinced that said baby would solve everything and that your life cannot move forwards
And the reality is:
Now is not the time to decide to adopt a child.
You will never get over not being able to have your own baby but it will get easier to live with.
Your relationship is about to be tested enormously; you think it has been difficult up until now but suddenly when there had once been hope there is now....Nothing...
One year on, I finally understand why that wait is very very necessary. Deciding to adopt a child is a huge decision and though I knew this before and it was never a decision I would have taken lightly, I didn't know myself at that time and certainly wasn't capable of deciding whether it was what I needed or what our family needed. A child needing to be adopted deserves the World; deserves to be placed with a happy family that are ready to embrace him/her into their lives. And that was not me.
Take that year to adjust and to allow what you feel to be realised...
July and August have been hard. My (much longed for) baby would have arrived had I not had another Miscarriage last October and it was tough. The miracle conception that never was. Another little soul not destined to be mine. And that, coupled with me having to stop HRT (my Migraines increased tenfold) made for a pretty disastrous Summer. I felt like I had regressed; babies being wheeled around the street, toddlers holding sticky fingers up to be cleaned, the sound of children laughing - all would set me off crying. It took a while for me to connect the dots (sometimes, I'm just not that quick...) as I didnt want to believe I wasn't 'over it' but once I'd accepted that I probably never would be and that's fine, I felt better. A trip to see a Menopause Consultant and a different HRT prescription have also helped me feel better. And even though the only thing currently benefiting from the Oestrogen is my mattress since that's where these ridiculous patches always end up, the 'tough' has once again passed.
And another door has opened. DH and I decided that we would wait for DS to be old enough to participate in the process of Adoption - that way, we feel, it would be more of a decision that the entire family has made. Thanks to some lovely ladies who have posted to my blog reassuring me that my PND shouldn't have too much of an effect on our application, I feel more confident about it all. And in the meantime, we're now looking into Fostering. We've got the books, we've been online and the next step is the open evening. I'm also fortunate in that I know people who are Foster carers and given my Profession, I work with disadvantaged families with complex lives every day, I feel I have a good grounding into the needs of children who have had to be removed from their own chaotic and sometimes distressing lives. My experiences will help me to understand the processes more and to understand the families of these children that I will need to work closely with. My biggest anxieties were firstly, that I'm not 'special' enough to be a Foster mum and secondly, that I would find it difficult to cope with the distress of the children in my care when things weren't going to plan with their birth families. On the first point, it took me a while to feel convinced that you don't need to be 'special', you actually just need to be 'normal' and 'good enough' and as for the second point...I'm still working on that.
Strangely, preparing a child for adoption doesn't worry me as much - letting go of a child that you have loved for a while will always be hard but I feel I could cope with this, knowing that their lives are moving forwards.
So, big decisions ahead.
I made another big decision recently too - I have cut my hours at work by two days a week. And despite being worried about the money aspect such a change will bring, I am beyond excited that I will be home more for DS and will no longer feel as though I'm 'missing out' on him. I can't wait.
Crikey...Whoever said life was dull had to be joking...