Thursday 5 April 2012

A time for eggs...Easter eggs!

I suppose I should feel maudlin or jealous or something at this time of year - a celebration of all things egg - but actually I'm feeling pretty good again... Obviously, this feeling of excited anticipation has nothing to do with the ENORMOUS chocolate egg I imagine DH has secreted somewhere for me...

As well as fantasising about chocolate, I've been doing more research into adoption. To keep busy? To know more? To feel more in control? Probably all of the above... But I have been feeling more and more as though this could be the right thing for us to do.

DH and I have talked a lot about everything as you can imagine and after a weekend away to see friends with DS, our relationship seems to be improving (phew) and we seem to be connecting again. We've both agreed that allowing the other to grieve in their own way has been difficult - we've been conscious that the other person has felt sad/guilty/angry/complacent at times and it's been difficult to feel as though we're on the same page.
We were talking about pregnancy. My pregnancy with DS was problem free (aside from the sickness - euw, that was baaaad) and I love love loved being pregnant - I was not remotely irritated when he kicked me to death in the night and often laid smiling hugging my belly. I was so desperate to be pregnant for longer than a few weeks that as the weeks ticked by, it became more and more real and more and more fabulous. Now, I'm not so sure that I can go down that path again. DH got very emotional when we were talking about the DE option - he referred to 'the call from the bathroom' that has been the end result of 5 of my six pregnancies - the call that said I was bleeding. Again. He tells me that 'the call' was the worst thing he experienced; the tone of my voice, the dreaded slow-footed ascent of the stairs knowing he was going to see me keeled over my knees on the loo. And though we would be using someone else's eggs (so would hopefully have a better chance of not experiencing 'the call'), we're unsure whether we can risk another Miscarriage emotionally and also it would be an extremely expensive Miscarriage...
We also remain unconvinced that a child through adoption would feel any less 'mine/ours' than a child conceived with a DE and grown by me. Genetically, any future children won't be 'mine' but could potentially be genetically DH's. He tells me he has no interest in whether his sperm makes our next child or not. And I believe him. I think what we both want is to extend our family and as DH pointed out, he thinks we could give a lovely home to a child somewhere that needs it. And I agree with him. I have anxiety about all of this obviously. I worry about the impact another child will have on our family but I imagine, like all children plopped out naturally into families all over the World, you muddle through and cope.
I think I've said before, we have a lot of love in our house...

So, for my next trick, I will be reviewing the adoption books we've bought and are currently winging their way from the Amazon warehouse. Watch this space...

Ooooo I can hear that clock ticking - the countdown to Easter Sunday where I intend to be surrounded by family, eating roast lamb and nicking DS's chocolate when he's not looking... Oh and just so you know, I am aware that there's slightly more to Easter than eating chocolate eggs (honest)...